“Out of God we cannot fall.” -Unknown
Kajal is a bright and beautiful young woman. Her glimpse will resonate as it speaks of self-acceptance, compassion and love. Despite many of us appearing to have it all together and figured out, we often continue to judge and criticize ourselves. Kajal is no different. Her glimpse offered respite from that self-judgment. Within that moment, a deeper and more loving understanding of herself and the world emerged. I wish to thank her for speaking to me and sharing so honestly.
Hi Kajal. Where would you like to begin?
My glimpse occurred one day while sitting in meditation. It was a period last year when I was consistently showing up to my practice. For the weeks leading up to this “encounter”, the desire to feel the love of the universe was really intense for me.
In reading the accounts of mystics and hearing other people’s experiences, I had convinced myself that although I really wanted to feel that depth of love, it was not for me.
When did you begin meditating?
I began meditating a few years ago in my search to find a way to alleviate emotional pain. I had grown up a depressed kid with a very strong self-critic and low self-esteem. In my early twenties I began to ask big questions, like “Why am I here?” and “Who am I?” I think of this time in my life as my “Divine Storm”. I was unhappy, seeking love and connection.
Meditation in the beginning was such a struggle for me! Although I had grown up in an Indian culture, I did not know much about meditation. I decided to approach it as a beginner with an “energy of willingness” and I think that was key. Over time as I continued to sit, I realized that with each session, a little bit of the weight and sadness was being shed. I started to view meditation as my time to build a relationship with the Universe or Source and myself.
What did you glimpse?
The experience I wish to share happened one day last year about ten minutes into sitting in silence. After I settled in, I began to feel this overwhelming sense of Love. It was instant. It was as if a giant teddy bear were squishing me! It felt gentle and warm. I became completely detached from my worries and thoughts.
A sense of calmness filled my mind. A sense of certainty loomed over my head. In that moment, I knew that I had tapped into something far greater than I could ever imagine. It represented a part of me that I had neglected, ignored, abandoned and even killed. I saw it standing there, right in front of my own eyes and then some how it collided into me. As if I had merged into it and it had melted into every inch of my being. Never have I felt the same, it changed me, it took me out of my own head. It took me to another world, that was the most familiar place I’d ever been to, but at the same time I’d never gone.
I have never before felt so loved. I had spent my childhood seeking love. My entire life I have always felt very different and lonely-even within my own family.
This brief and intense experience changed me profoundly. It showed me that I was part of the same circle as the mystics and everyone else. It reminded me that I do not need to seek or justify my existence. In short: I am love and I am loved- always.
It helped me begin to cultivate self-love and stop hating myself. It helped me understand that I can release the hate towards myself simply by accepting love’s presence that is already within me.
How did this experience change you?
I have always had difficulty putting myself out there. Just showing up on Skype for this conversation with you stretches me. As a teenager I was shy and judgmental of myself. This loving moment helped to dissolve the invisible barrier between “me and them”. It also taught me that if I, someone who struggles with self-worth, can have this deep experience of love and peace, then others can too. The veil lifted for a moment and in that moment I understood that love is present everywhere.
It sounds silly, but since then, I see heart shapes everywhere- in the sky, in my food, even in gum stuck on the concrete! My glimpse of spirit allowed me to glimpse my own light. It imprinted me with the beautiful notion that we don’t need to earn or validate love.
How do you connect with others now Kajal?
My intention is to be a loving presence for others and to deeply listen to them. Everyone has a light that burns brightly within. For most of us, there is just some fog around that light- our traumas, our challenges, our limiting beliefs, and our “story”. When we deeply and compassionately listen to each other, we help each other suffer less and that fog begins to lift. We are all love. We are loved – always.
Kajal writes and offers life coaching on her website: www.kajalpandey.com. Check it out.
Also, read Kajal’s description of this experience on her website: http://www.kajalpandey.com/the-encounter/